What Springsteen-Replacement Concert Does North Carolina Deserve?

 

Hey y’all. Welcome back to Sundy Best, where three idiot southern comedians answer silly questions about serious subjects. Hopefully you read and enjoyed last week’s post about the way elections SHOULD be decided. How good was that, are we right? So good. So unnecessary. So dumb.

Anyway, this week we turn to one of the least sense-makin places in this country, North Carolina. This state is a leader in technology, education and innovation thanks to the Research Triangle, and also is home to Asheville, which is like if Portland got drunk on moonshine. And yet, recently their governor signed a controversial bill which restricts the use of restrooms according to a person’s genitalia as opposed to their gender identity. Not particularly cool North Carolina. One of the many responses to this law being passed came from none other than The Boss himself, Bruce Motherfucking Springsteen, who made news by cancelling a show in Greensboro as a sign of protest. Boss doin Boss Things.

Just look at that freedom-hatin Commie.

But hell, everybody needs some live entertainment right? So we put our fat stupid heads together (not really we just all thought about it individually), to try and decide:

What Springsteen-Replacement Concert Does North Carolina Deserve?

Corey:

Telling a dude with titties which bathroom to use is a pretty bold command coming from a state who’s residents primarily piss in Mountain Dew bottles while driving drunk to the feed store. This is also a state where a marriage can technically be voided if either of the two persons is physically impotent – so I’d say some of these fat shit senators with blood pressure issues better tread lightly on trying to uphold insane laws.

Some other notable laws from the state of North Carolina:

• If a man and a woman who aren’t married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married.
• All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart.
• Bingo games may not last over 5 hours unless it is held at a fair.
• While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled.
• Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields
• It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.
• Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.
• Oral sex is considered a crime against nature.

So enforce the “Bathroom Law” if you must, but please remember that if you do so, don’t get a blow job while riding an elephant in the churchyard – because you’re a hypocrite if you do.

This state, along with many (read: all) states in the south seem to be doing everything they can to make sure that their children grow up in the same type of atmosphere that they themselves grew up in. They herald the 1950’s as the golden age of Americana. Back when there was hope – when anything was possible and the American dream was alive and well.. You know, so long as you you were straight, white, and a man.

Look I get it – these people are scared. They are scared of anything that is different than them: Gays, transgenders, blacks, people with the capacity for abstract thought. I get it – different is scary. Remember the first time you had Vegetable soup that someone other than your meemaw made? I do. It was scary. “How do you know you don’t like it until you’ve tried it?” I just do.. It aint meemaws. It’s gross. “Canned Tomatoes are just as good!” No the hell they ain’t.. That’s not natural.

The Arrogance of Man

Here’s the deal though… just cause you don’t understand something, that doesn’t make it wrong – which is a good thing because I’m pretty sure North Carolina needs Math and Science.

Considering this state is doing everything it can to remain firmly rooted in 1950’s culture, the concert they most assuredly deserve is Buddy Holly. But not like, Buddy Holly in his prime (because he hits way too hard and they don’t deserve that)  – I mean a modern day dug up Buddy Holly skeleton on strings being paraded on a gooseneck trailer stage by a puppeteer in black face. “Wap bap a loo bop a wop bam boo” The people will exclaim while eating their funnel cakes and screaming about how black folks have it fine because slavery isnt a thing any more.

Listen, white folks… I get it – it sucks to have your dominance compromised.. I know – I’m one of you, but youre gonna have to understand that every now and then, some dude is gonna come along with some titties and want to take a piss next to your wife… and heres the thing… if Bubba Beth wanted to fuck your wife, she wouldnt have had to sneak into the womens room to do it… she could just listen to her like you never do

BYE.

Trae:

Alright I’ma be honest and say off top I feel for some of them fellers what was gonna go to that show. I mean I still live in the South and I love the Boss and also people of all colors and wiener-situations, so I’d hate to be punished for the dumbshit notions of my dumbshit government (and my state knows a thing or two about dumbshit government).

 

Having said that, I still commend Springsteen for what he done, and I’d like to think I’d be cool with it if I had a ticket. Also a side note: Springsteen made national headlines and sent a profound message literally by cancelling plans. You know how awesome that would be?! I’d love to be big enough to be able to make a statement by NOT doing something.  Y’all have any idea how much I love not doin shit? “Not doin shit” is right up there with “disappointin the ol lady” and “takin it too far with cheese” on my list of Things What Doth Hit For Me. I wish that the Klan or Westboro Baptist held marathons so I could take a serious moral stand by NOT jogging forever, or somethin like that. But it always works the opposite. Sending a message takes just, just SO much effort. That sucks. Why can’t we have a Sloth Together For Bone Cancer Awareness Day? I mean I bet it would work: “Where the hell is everybody?” “Oh everyone stayed home watching Netflix today to raise awareness for bone cancer.” “That’s a thing?” “Yup.”…..Bam, that person’s aware now. Aware as shit. I’m just sayin: somebody should look into that. Not me though, obviously.

I’m busy.

So anyway, now that the Boss is out, I’m sure there’s plenty of acts that would still be down to play for these backerds baccer folk (“backerds” is Redass for “backward” and “baccer” is Redass for “tobacco”, if yuns ain’t know), so surely we can think of something. Also “Backerds Baccer Folk” ain’t a bad band name for a NC string outfit, now that I think of it.

 

So in thinking about this I’m focusing on those North Carolinians that support this law; as the ones who oppose it are people after me own heart and butt. But the Boss is universal, as evidenced by the the number of horrible assholes who have used his music. That’s just how great he is: even people that hate literally everything he stands for still love him cause the sumbitch simply rocks just that hard. So it stands to reason there were plenty of people with tickets to that show who were hateful dicks who hate dicks, especially if said dicks are on chicks. This replacement show is for them.

 

Part of me (the idealistic, dumb part) wants to hook these guys up. Schedule a show of some of North Carolina’s finest musicians, in the hope that the music would be so good it would change their simple lives, open their math-hatin minds, and warm their blackened, butter-lined hearts.  But then I remember that Hope is a Lie and Only the Darkness is Real (TM), so this plan won’t work. I mean the type of people we’re talking about here would probably not come to a show featuring acts like Ryan Adams, Old Crow Medicine Show, and American Aquarium, on account of “‘at sounds queer and sides they’s a Swamp People marathon on tonight”.

 

So we need a better plan. And it’ll be more fun anyway. This is what we do. We book the Bro Country Show to end all Bro Country Shows. I’m talkin Aldean. I’m talkin Florida Georgia Line. Sam Hunt. The bloated carcass of Toby Keith, probably. We’ll call it the Dirt Road Truckfuck Tour. First show: Greensboro, NC. Tickets will sell out like THAT, son. Packed house. Bud Light ballcaps as far as the eye can see. If this hypothetical crowd was a tattoo it’d be Calvin pissin on the concept of a mutually respectful marriage. Yeah, these are our targets.

 

God dammit.

Even though drunk-and-annoyed the default state of the breed, we’ll make the show start a little late, to give everybody a shot to get drunker and annoyeder. Then the lights go down and the volleyball scene from Top Gun plays with absolutely zero context or explanation. Then there is an announcement over the PA system that the scheduled festival opener, Eric Church, is running late because his stylist got hit by a bus and he refuses to go on without someone perfecting his look first (a stance any outlaw can understand obviously). At this point the mood in the crowd is just the right amount of confused and wary, and we make an announcement that a very special guest, Outlaw Country Up-and-Comer Wheeler Walker, Jr., will be filling in for Mr. Church. Wheeler comes out and gives an absolutely virtuosic rendition of his landmark shitkicker “Which One O’ You Queers Gonna Suck My Dick”, all while The Singing Asshole from Pink Flamingos  (if you don’t know what that is, Google it. Or not. But just know it’s exactly what it sounds like) lays on the stage by Wheeler, expanding and contracting his anus in time to the music. The anus is shown on the jumbotron.

 

And that’s it. That’s the whole show. You’re welcome, North Carolina.

 

DREW:

 

This isn’t an easy one.

On the one hand, many of the good people of NC deserve to see Bruce Springsteen. Of course I support his decision as an artist and cog in this capitalistic death machine we call a society to cancel, but we also gotta recognize that ironically, some of the very folk who are hurt by this law are now also being deprived of seeing a kick ass show. Imagine, worrying about not only how you’re gonna execute your bathroom break during a concert with literally no bad songs (I would go during “I’m on fire.” It is always awkward to make eye contact with anyone during that song because of the creepy opening line, so hearing it alone in a stall is probably for the best), but also about having to deal with a law that makes it impossible to go with any dignity. That is tough enough, but then learning you can’t even go in the first place because the Boss fired your state? Not a good day.

Plus, if you’ve ever been to a concert, you know there is no such thing as bathroom laws. Women are gonna burst into the men’s room, scream “I can’t hold it” and take the next available stall anyway. Ugly girls NEVER pull this move, and when the hot girl does it every single dude who is for this BS law grins like something is about to happen other than a loud drunk woman peeing behind a door. But I, like our society, digress.

Trannies are the problem, tho.

So a part of me wants to say NC deserves to keep the Boss. However, the lawmakers of NC need to be taught a lesson. The voters apparently in favor of this law do not have to accept reality, but Bruce Springsteen has the right to tell them he does not accept them.

Maybe they deserve bad music as a punishment. This makes sense, right? The Boss tells you you’re wrong, and to punctuate the error we send Florida/Georgia Line to sonically rape you? Their music is the soundtrack to the Apocalypse – something many of this bill’s supporters keep clamoring for – sure seems like justice to me. The obvious problem is that these people actually like FL/GA line. I know. It is a fact somehow dumber than this bill, so that won’t work at all.

Then how could we teach them a lesson? I got it! Force NC senators to watch a band I KNOW they’d hate on principle. Something like a Muslim Punk band (a real thing) might work, or what about Vampire Weekend? If they hate all things that are gay, they’d have to hate Vampire Weekend – the gayest band of all time. Damnit! This won’t work, either. No one would learn anything. These types of people are pretty averse to learning actually (see: evolution, foreign policy, sexuality science, all things they do/say). In fact, we would just be punishing the band. Who would want to play a show for these NC politicians, other than the Nuge?

We feel the need to remind everyone that this motherfucker is a Yankee.

North Carolina doesn’t deserve the Boss, the people who are for this law actually enjoy shitty music, and most “lessons” wouldn’t be learned. In this moment then, North Carolina deserves NO music to replace Bruce Springsteen. I say we replace Bruce with the sound of silence. Not the Simon and Garfunkel sadness masterpiece, but literally nothing.

Now, I am not saying this ultimatum should last forever. I am simply advocating a 2 hour gap in place of the concert. A moment of silence to honor the death of bigotry. Then, at the end of the 2 hour hope vacuum, in the spirit of this question and in order to still call the event “a concert,” a man in his mid-forties will take the stage with a single guitar. He will have on a dress shirt from Marshall’s, a pair of cargo shorts, and crocs. His guitar, emblazoned with a Dave Mathews Band sticker, will be slightly out of tune as he hits a G chord and announces himself simply as “Dwayne from Durham.”

A cover song specialist from the local Applebee’s, Dwayne has been playing his guitar on nights and weekends for years. Dwayne has a knack for oldies and the distinction of being the only two-time winner of the Grand Vista Mexican Restaurant Semi-Annual Talent show. Dwayne will remind everyone that there is a tip jar and out of habit mention that Happy Hour goes all night on Tuesdays. He will then play exactly one song.

North Carolina will be treated to the most mediocre cover of “American Pie” ever rendered. Dwayne will hit most of the notes and only flub the lines once. He might even skip one verse and have to come back to it, but the performance won’t suffer overall. When he gets to “If the Bible tells you so” a chorus of clapping and hollering will rise up and fill the stadium, because these people do not understand irony. Not even a little. The cheers will rouse emotions Dwayne hasn’t felt in years. Inspired, he will absolutely nail the ending. The crescendo. The triumphant rise of breath after the dramatic whisper of the word “died.” As it eeks out of Dwayne’s barely open mouth and he raises one fist in the air, the crowd will collectively break the last little moment of silence and sing the chorus one last time.

“Singin, this’ll be the day that I…”

One last pause for democracy and decency.

“die.”