Drew here, Lord what a week we’re having. Trae been gettin so much love his head swole up ALMOST as big as Corey’s. We do appreciate all the outreach and suport y’all. Now, maybe we’re gettin a little high on the horse, but since yuns seem to like what we say, we figured we’d offer up some real opinions this week.
Because endorsement season is here, that time of year where our fearless and dedicated political leaders line themselves up and make bold pronouncements about how big of a whore they are – “I believe Trump is a strong leader!” Word? You didn’t seem to feel that way when you were certain he had no chance. “Hillary Clinton is the best person… wait I’m sorry I can’t read what you told me to say Madam President please don’t destroy me.”
It is political theatre of the absurd – buncha rich bastards pretending to be engaged in a national conversation about a buncha richer bastards who are pretending to give a damn (and in Ted Cruz’s case, pretending to be human).
The slowly dying corpse of our nation’s press is also in on the action. Their endorsements used to genuinely carry some weight, but one needs to look no further than how many are endorsing John Kasich to realize their opinions matter less these days than my opinion on “Lemonade” (Beyonce’ is sincerely a transcendent talent, but I’m sorry, Jay-Z got paid millions through Tidal for cheating on his wife – that is some next level shit).
That aside, we here at OurSundyBest, are, technically speaking, the press. Kinda. Look we write words, ok? So, we offer up our endorsements for President.
PRESIDENT OF BREAKFAST (Drew)
What? Yuns thought we were gonna endorse actual politicians? Pfft. Guys we are here to talk about the issues. And if bacon ain’t an issue, then I don’t wanna be a citizen.
First of all I gotta tell y’all, I nominated my mammaw for this and she declined. Her biscuits and gravy are all the campaignin’ she’d have to do, but she told me she “don’t have time for that mess” and also asked “what’s the internet?” Then she made me pie. It hit.
So, Jimmy Dean it is. Now I hear what you’re saying – you’re asking “what’s a former country singer know bout leading us into breakfast?!” But the thing is, deep down we all know he’s what this country needs. All those lifelong breakfast candidates have failed us. Denny’s Grand Slam?! More like Grand Scam! The Waffle House used to be a place of value. But in this economy, it is a ripoff! They say Jimmy Dean don’t have good sausage?! He’s got the best sausage. His sausage is incredible. He also has BREAKFAST BOWLS. Have you seen his breakfast bowls? His breakfast bowls are great. There is nothing like his breakfast bowls. China is afraid of his breakfast bowls.
Most importantly, we endorse Jimmy Dean for Breakfast President because he’s not afraid to speak the TRUTH. Unlike the other candidates, he tells you exactly how he feels about things. He speaks the truth about fruit and yogurt whether it’s politically correct or not. He’s the only candidate willin to say what we’re ALL thinkin about hash browns: the darker ones are dangerous and can’t be trusted. Any honest hash brown will admit this and are also voting for Mr. Dean.
Let’s make breakfast great again.
PRESIDENT OF SUPPER (Corey):
Let’s stick with food for a moment.
OSB is happy to give our full endorsement to Chicken for President of Supper. I know that a lot of you are #SteakOrBust, and yeah, that’s fine when you are 22 and living in your parent’s basement working that part time job at the coffee house between protests – but this is the real world baby. Just ask your dad. “Ain’t nothin’ free round here, boy.. Someone’s gotta pay fer it!”
That’s why Chicken is the more logical choice of the two. And look, I know the Chicken is a dirty animal, and I know the chicken just LIES around all day clucking in her own filth and ruffling her feathers over something she didn’t even give a shit about 4 years ago.. I get that. But to me that makes the Chicken versatile, “Bake me, fry me, boil me, put me in a god damn soup! I’ll be whatever the fuck you want me to be just pick me for the love of Christ!”
All these Brisket Bros have their heads so far up the butchers ass they can’t see their flawed logic! WE CAN’T AFFORD STEAK EVERYDAY! I mean, unless we cut out our unnecessary expenses such as cigarettes, booze, lottery tickets, 5 dollar shitty ass coffees, skirts for poodles, Artisanal waters, and maybe redistribute that money into things we actually need, such as food, then we could actually afford to eat Steak every day. But shit man, I like cigarettes and booze and it’s my right as an American for my hard earned money to go to something that kills thousands of people instead of it going towards ensuring that every American has a juicy Steak every day.
Perfectly marbled, seared on both sides locking in the robust flavor. A cool red center covered in a compound truffle butter that tastes both velvety and earthy at the same time with not even the slightest bit of gristle. The fat hasn’t been trimmed, but it has been charred to a perfection to obtain that salty taste and creamy texture. Each bite an ocean of flavor cascading through your mouth screaming “YES… This is what my mouth needs! The top 1% of Chickens have salmonella and can’t be trusted!”
Fuck my head let’s vote with our hearts! I’ve been putting all my eggs in the wrong basket. The Cow is what we need baby! Not only do we get that Juicy Steak, but everyone gets there fair share of butter!
#FeelTheChurn! Steak for President!
PRESIDENT OF COUNTRY MUSIC (Trae)
Hoo wee OSB may have to recuse ourselves from this un. I fear that I may care too much (it’s hard caring all the time guys). My endorsement may do more harm than good, because I doubt my passion will allow me to remain respectful enough to get my point across without making the other side appear sympathetic by coming off as some kind of self-righteous bully. But I will try. Verily I will try. Deep breath. OK…
I want Florida-Georgia Line to die in a fire. God dammit! I just can’t help it. I can’t be level-headed when I talk about this shit. It upsets me on such a deep and personal level, it gets my Red just so very Up, that I just can’t help it. But seriously, do y’all know how much it upsets me that this bro-country bullshit is what the rest of America thinks “Country music” is? Because it isn’t. At all. That shit is pop music in pearl-button plaid and overpriced cowboy boots (all of which was picked out by a highly-paid record label stylist). It is NOT country music, and doesn’t represent my people.
But I get why you think that, Rest of America. It makes sense. You hear it and think “Yep, that’s about right.” It’s the kind of macho, superficial bullshit you expect to hear rednecks hollerin about. Which is why it works. Florida-Georgia Line, Jason Aldean, Luke Bryan, and that goddamn motherfucking piece of shit Sam Hunt, all the worst of the worst, they know exactly what they’re doing.
They’re pandering. Singin bout being an “outlaw” and takin a “purdy girl with the jeans on” down a “dirt road” to drink some “cold cold beer” and “buttfuck” (this last part is implied). And the crowds eat it up. These guys get it! This is what it’s all about! The good life! Then the concert ends and they go back to their shitty lives and their shitty marriages and their shitty jobs, while the Dirt Road Boys head to Manhattan on their private jet, probably laughing their asses off at just how easy that was.
But the South ain’t all like that, America. We wish you knew that. There are Arbiters of Truth out there like Hayes Carll, Chris Stapleton, American Aquarium,Kacey Musgraves, and of course, the absolutely indomitable Jason Isbell. But there is one man, one man with the right combination of integrity, talent, and mass appeal, to shepherd us into a New Era. Which is why Our Sundy Best is officially endorsing Sturgill Simpson for President of Country Music.
There are a million reasons I could give, pages I could write, on why he’s the man for the job. But instead, just buy and listen to his new album. It will convince you better than I ever could. Do the right thing. Vote Sturgill.
PRESIDENT OF BOOZE (Drew)
You can’t have country music without booze. Hell it’s tough to have anything fun without booze.
That being said, POB is not an office we take lightly here at OSB. The position is one of utmost importance and there are many, many qualified candidates. Sam Adams, with his patriot credentials and distinction as the founder of the microbrew movement in the US (not to mention his new Nitro series I’m partial to), would make a fine leader. Jack Daniel, of the the greatest state Tennessee (smile when you say it boy), is as solid as one can be. Captain Morgan’s military background is unmatched and unquestioned. We shouldn’t underestimate how good the Silver Bullet can be when the mountains are blue. I also love what Chelsea Handler’s been doing for vodka and blonde alcoholics who can now get away with being terrible people by saying “I’ma hot mess” and smiling. The list is extensive.
All these great options reveal one of the great paradoxes of democracy: all that freedom of choice can end up being a crushing burden. You get so bogged down and afraid of messin up you end up settling for a “safe bet” candidate. Here at OSB we ain’t about to let that shit happen. You think we just gonna “get a case of whatever” because we are afraid of a little self-reflection and honest assessment? HELL NO. We make our choices loud and with conviction, by God. SKEW.
For Presidents of Booze we pick Anthony Bourdain. This really isn’t even close when you look at his policies: drink with every dinner, have great conversation, see the world. Got damn. Yuh!
Cut from the same cloth as Hemingway, Sinatra, or my late great Aunt Charla, he can hold his liquor and your attention. He will drink a frat boy under the table, discuss the richness of the color of a batch with one of Kentucky’s best distillers, and then match the perfect wine with your evening meal – whether it is beef burgundy or Totino’s pizza rolls. Anthony Bourdain is last great American drunk.
Raise hell to the chief!
PRESIDENT OF SPORTS (Drew)
Corey was gonna write this endorsement, but when he told me he couldn’t decide which of Tom Brady’s many presidential qualities to lead off with, I pulled out my knife, screamed “Peyton Manning for life” and blacked out. I don’t remember the next ten minutes but Corey’s recovering fine. Besides, he could stand to lose the weight. Fuck .Tom. Brady.
Trae suggested we just endorse Junior in honor of his daddy, but the last time we let someone be President for that reason it didn’t turn out well.
We would just go with Earnhardt, Sr., but we ain’t sure a dead person can be President, plus it seemed like an insult to make a man who is obviously a King hold a lesser office. After that, we had to have a moment of silence. Then we cursed Roger Goodell for the coward he is and got drunk.
Now we realize sports are just too personal and too important a topic to include in a comedy blog. Politics and religion are fine to discuss, but sports just make everyone too upset. Everyone endorse your own Sports President and please respect each other’s views.
PRESIDENT OF STUPIDITY (Trae)
Alright so after the comments and messages I have received on social media over the past couple weeks I consider myself one of the world’s foremost leading experts on Stupidity. I could write a dissertation on dumbasses, and my supporting material would be longer than the damn paper.
But look this is a hard ass category. How do you choose who to endorse for President of Stupidity in Today’s America? There are just so many choices. Just. So. Many. So I’m going to be totally honest here and tell you guys straight up that I am going to make an endorsement that best serves my own self-interests. A homer pick, if you will. Which is why I am officially endorsing Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam for President of Stupidity.
This dude wants to bring back the electric chair, and his brother drafted Johnny Manziel because a hobo told him to (his family bought the Cleveland Browns with money they stole from truck drivers). So yeah, fuck Bill Haslam. But he’s the perfect candidate for President of Stupidity. Because in my opinion you got to be a pretty big dumbass to look out at the sea of terriblePR states like North Carolina and Mississippi are getting for their draconian anti-LGBT laws, weigh that against the support of mouthbreathing fucksticks like this, and think to yourself “Yeah. Yeah I wanna get me some of that.” Which is apparently what Haslam did before he signed a new bill into law allowing therapists to turn away gay people based on their religious beliefs. Haslam is the perfect candidate for President of Stupidity, because he is demonstrably interested in representing the dumbest, shittiest, most backward ass people in this entire country, at any cost. And he’s doing a good job of it so far.
I got more to say about Haslam, but I’ma be a dick about it and ask that you subscribe to my YouTube channel and watch for my next video, on this very subject, coming this week. Thank y’all. Fuck Bill Haslam.
FOR ACTUAL PRESIDENT: (Corey)
Giving the Official OSB endorsement for President is an extremely difficult task and not something that we take lightly. The President of The United States should be someone with strong moral character; someone with not only the ability to make tough decisions, but someone with the patience to see things through to the end and the backbone to stand in the face of great adversity. The POTUS should be kind, classy, intelligent, non-divisive, and probably most importantly – The President of The United States should not be a lizard who inhabited the orange skin of a silver spoon fed, egotistical shit spewing know it all who, despite being rich literally his entire life still has his steaks prepared the same way that my papaw who has brain injuries from the war does.
Ladies and Gentleman, OSB is proud to give our endorsement: literally ANYONE BUT GD DONALD TRUMP. Please.