Nostalgia is a drug. Dwelling on the past is addictive for so many reasons: 1.) It is filled with a litany of reasonable excuses to justify the piece of shit that you are. 2.) As a man inching closer to his 30’s and getting balder and fatter by the second, a spank bank is important (My personal favorite reason). And 3.) In the past, we weren’t one step away from a Tangerine Colored Johnny Bravo wannabe becoming the leader of the free world.
Seriously, most people think nostalgically in terms of “Man, Wasn’t life great when we used to catch fireflies in a mason jar and play wiffle ball with papaw before they took his leg?” or “Gee Golly, going to the sock hop was such a swell time before we had to worry about microaggressions”. But nowadays, the most appealing part of the past is the fact that it was a time where we weren’t about to elect Donald Fucking Trump.
Remember Mitt Romney? Remember his Binder full of women? Remember how ridiculous we thought that was? That is literally NOTHING compared to the lunacy that comes out of Trump’s mouth on a daily, nay, hourly basis. The GOP should get down on their hands and knees and pray to Darth Reagan’s force ghost that they could go back to being “Binder full of women” ridiculous.
With the ongoing insanity that is The Trump Campaign, we thought it may be interesting to delve into an even more ridiculous question: Which Reality Star Would Make A Better President Than Trump?
The boys have since penned their hot takes on the subject, but first, here’s mine –
—–LITERALLY ANY MEERKAT FROM MEERKAT MANOR——
Much like trust fund babies, Meerkats are small burrowing animals that live in a large underground network. Meerkats are also known to share their dwelling with the Yellow Mongoose and the Ground Squirrel.. Two animals that if you combine the color from one and the appearance of the other, you get Donald Trump’s hairpiece.
Much like a flip – flopper who says what they need in order to win a vote, Meerkat calls carry specific meanings, and language may bare a completely different meaning depending on the urgency of the situation, or to whom the meerkat is addressing.
Often times, the male physically fights with the woman until she submits to him and they begin copulation. I don’t think I need to explain that one.
Meerkats, much like Trump, are immune to several types of venom. For the Meerkat, it is things like the Kalahari Desert Scorpion. For Trump, it’s things like “Facts” and “Integrity”.
I’ve gotten a bit off topic here. I’m not supposed to be telling you what Meerkats and Trump have in common, I’m supposed to be telling you why they would make a better President (That sentence is super hilarious if you know how seriously I take my job).
Unlike Trump, Meerkats forage in a group. Not only does Trump alienate literally every group of Americans (seriously don’t understand how my poor country folks don’t see that) but the thought of foraging is far too communist an idea for someone who has 3 mexican ladies blow on his soup until it’s the proper temperature for his pussy ass tongue.
New Meerkat groups are often formed by evicted females joining a group of males. Have you ever heard of some more Bill Clinton shit in your life? Men taking in a group of broken women is one of the most Democratic things I can think of, and you can’t argue with statistics (yes you can) but our country has always thrived economically under a democratic president (http://www.forbes.com/sites/adamhartung/2012/10/10/want-a-better-economy-history-says-vote-democrat/#1e5bc2ed67a1).
All that is great, but if I had to break it down to the main reason.. The end all be all… the Coup de grâce. The number one reason why any Meerkat from Meerkat Manor would make a better president than Trump is that that Meerkat would not actually be Donald Fucking Trump…
Now for the rest of the boys….
Damn, this is way harder than it seems. The kneejerk reaction to the question is “Uh…all of em?”, because Trump is so overtly poopy that it seems like you could just pick any random reality star and make a case for them being a better President than him. But then you remember that reality TV is home to some of the worst Garbage People the world has ever seen.
In any other field it would be so easy to pick someone better than Trump, but in the world of midget pit bull fighters and plastic whores that talk to dead people, the Orange Leather Man is King. Despite how utterly ridiculous the idea of President Trump is, it’s hard to argue that any other prominent reality star wouldn’t be even worse.
Or would they? I mean Snooki would, yes, but it seems like people have forgotten how utterly absurd everything about Donald Trump is and has always been. When I stop and think about it, it still blows my mind that people are taking this dude seriously now. And look, for the record, we NEED to take him seriously. At this point it could be super dangerous not to, but I still can’t believe this shit. I’m 3o years old. Literally my entire life, Donald Trump has been famous for one thing: being a rich douchebag. He has existed entirely to be made fun of. He’s been a national laughingstock for decades. And he is now the Republican Nominee for President of the United States. Seriously guys what the fuck.
So yeah, when you really think about how ridiculous the thought of a Trump Presidency would have been even a year ago, it becomes easier to envision other reality stars pulling it off. But it’s still super hard to pick one that you’d actually WANT to do it. But after much deliberation I think I have my answer. I hope American Idol contestants count. They do, right? I mean that’s still reality TV. For example, if hypothetically you Google “list of reality TV stars” because you chose a topic you know nothing about for some reason and you need help deciding what the hell to write about (just hypothetically), you will find that American Idol contestants are included. So I’m going to say that they count. And in light of that my choice is Jennifer Hudson.
Now some a y’all is callin shenanigans, I’m sure. That’s cheating! Jennifer Hudson is a hell of a lot more than a reality TV star! For God’s sake the woman is well on her way to an EGOT! And that’s all true, but A) Trump was more than just a reality star too, and B) it’s also my whole point. This lady is a god damn worldbeater. Considering the track record of other Idol alums, the odds would point to her eating ribs with Ruben Studdard before a show at the Davenport, Iowa community center tonight. But instead she just finished performing the Broadway lead in fuckin The Color Purple. She’s obviously ambitious and driven and smart and talented and all that other presidential shit, but honestly none of those is my biggest reason for picking her for this…
You see, I’m a HUGE fan of “Pissing Off Shitty Old White People”. It is just the best. If something upsets Old White People, I’m probably all the hell about it. Jameis Winston? That’s my dawg. Talkin shit about the Lord? Just the best. And Jennifer Hudson is a black woman. Who in this scenario would be running for President. Obviously for Shitty Old White People, this simply would not stand. But she’s also pretty much universally beloved. She has a great story, she’s a very sympathetic figure, does a lot of work for charity, and just seems to be a god damn sweetheart. Me and Drew went to a Daily Show taping last month and she was the guest and good lawd y’all the woman beamed. Trevor Noah fucked up her credits and even though she may have went all Naomi Campbell on his ass backstage, outwardly she handled it with grace. And she sang some and I felt like there were angels playing harps in my butt. I dunno she just seems cool is all I’m saying.
But she’s still a black woman, which means Shitty Old White People are going to have to find ways to hate her. They already have years of practice with this thanks to Obama of course. But I just don’t know what ammunition you could possibly have to do that with JHud. But that will absolutely not stop them from trying. And hopefully in doing so they would reveal their suckery to the rest of the world and thus undermine the Shitty Old White Agenda forever. I mean…prolly not, due to the sheer number of Shitty Old White People. But a man can dream. So I say let’s do it. Hudson/Dog 2020.
So … a reality star could sincerely end up being President. That’s not good news at all, but why’s it gotta be someone who looks like he got wood stain all over his face? For me personally, I would really rather see Tron from Mad Real World play the role of President of the United States of America.
“But Drew, you’re not following the rules. He’s not a real person.” Ok first of all, none of these reality stars are real people. Secondly, I’ll break every rule you throw at me to get Dave Chappelle back in the spotlight.
I’m not gonna waste breath defending my claim with my personal politics. Tron would be the better than Trump because he has WAY better policies. Let’s just compare those:
Race: Trump’s a racist. “Build a wall. Mexicans are rapists. Ban Syrians. I don’t want blacks counting my money.” It is disgusting.
To be fair, I kind of thought Tron was a racist as well. If you see how he treats Chad (admittedly annoying) and his Dad (seemed cool really), you might think it too. This would still be more acceptable than Trump’s awful views, but it’s actually not even true. Tron was hard on Chad, sure, but he also had sex with Katie. Katie’s white. Boom.
Winner: Tron (honorable mention: Katie)
The Economy: Trump’s economic plan boils down to two main tenants: lower taxes (mainly for the rich), and renegotiate trade relations with China to “put them on notice” that their days of “currency manipulation and cheating” are over .
The tax the rich less so we can all have more plan, also known as trickle down economics, also known as the “Let them eat cake” plan, has been taken to task and proven faulty numerous times. The basic plan is hey let’s give rich people a break (they totally deserve it after all) and they’ll reinvest and of course share. Well, I’m no economist, but I have met humans. Seems like a leap of faith to me. To Trump’s credit, however, the China plan might be helpful in one regard. In globalism, none of the money is trickling down. Rich people are taking their extra money and investing it where rich people always invest it – wherever the return is greatest. This means moving factories abroad and hiding their YUGE bank accounts overseas. Some aspects of this China renegotiation could help this issue (assuming he could pull it off). Of course another, more simple, plan would be to simply make, for example, Apple pay GD taxes .
But that wouldn’t get Trump paid. See, Trump is self proclaimed “deal artist.” You ever talk to artists about their art? Ugh – the worst. “I don’t do it for the money, I do it for the love of the art.” *Pukes in mouth.
The problem here is that money is art to Trump. So sure, Trump could try to carve out a plan that makes sense for most Americans, but he’s an artist, dammit. He has an opportunity to make a shit load of money for himself AND change the tax code so that said money doesn’t get taken by the greedy evil government he NOW IS if he’s President. This would be Trump’s Mona Lisa. His Don Quixote. His masterpiece. He’s not gonna let that one go. Of course the other big problem here is that Trump isn’t even a great deal artist so he probably won’t pull it off. He isn’t that great at business.
Tron on the other hand is a phenomenal business man. He turned his reparations into an amass of wealth so big he passed Bill Gates to take number one on Fortune Magazine’s America’s richest list. How? By winning a dice game. Then he said on the news he would give money “back to the community… Psyche!” At’s a real stone cold business man.
Trump turned a substantial inheritance into a reality TV career and slightly more money. Tron turned 40 acres and a mule into billions.
Crime: Trump’s record on crime is atrocious. In 1989 he inserted himself into a rape trial by taking out ads in newspapers trying to make sure five TEENAGERS were convicted of brutally raping a woman. He was successful. The only problem of course is that those young men were innocent. Overzealous police pressured by politics (and a real estate mogul) had broken ALL kinds of rules in the investigation and in the process literally tricked the kids into confessing. Seven years later a violent serial rapist confessed from prison to doing the horrendous act. His semen was a DNA match.
Shame on those cops, right? I mean Donald couldn’t have known those kids were tricked into confessing. He should have some thoughts on police reform since in some ways he was a victim of it here too right? Well, no, of course not. When he’s not arting up deals, his other preferred medium is pandering. Trump is fond of saying that the police are misunderstood and mistreated in this country. That’s a sincerely amazing claim. He treats the police as a whole like they’re a brooding 24 year old athlete who hasn’t adjusted to being rich and under the spotlight. They aren’t misunderstood. They are in need of checks and balances.
Tron, conversely, had this to say about the justice system:
“There are, so many amendments, in the Constitution of the United States of America. I can only on choose one. I can only choose ooooooonne. I plead the fif. I plead the fif. Five. One two three four FIF.” – Tron, future President of the USA
Guns: Pretty sure they actually feel the exact same way about guns.
Trump is a terrible leader. It is well documented that he is a horrible boss, always looks out for himself above others, and doesn’t have the confidence to withstand the backlash and ridicule that comes from being in charge. He has regularly sent a reporter who claimed Trump’s hands were small, pictures of his hands with a note that says “Not small. HUGE.” Numerous times. Think about that. He got a picture of his own hands. He wrote out a letter. He put an address on an envelope. He licked a stamp for fuck’s sake. Numerous times – that’s a man who can lead the country?! No.
Conversely, Tron displayed an inordinate amount of leadership qualities during his time on Mad Real WOrld. It was Tron who welcomed Chad into the house when he first arrived. He informed Chad that he would be sleeping in the same room as Tyree- clearly Tron had organized everyone’s sleeping arrangements. It was also Tron organizing the at-work dice games. When the police arrived during one said game, it was Tron who alerted his co-conspirators it was time to leave and showed them the best route to take. Finally, it was Tron who first explained to chad that he had to leave the house. He spoke on behalf of everyone in the house and laid out all the issues everyone had with him. That is a tough job. A real leader takes that job on willingly.
It was also during this conversation when Tron pointed out that he TOO, along with Lysol and Tyree, had had sex with Katie. Imagine sitting on that information for that long, not telling anyone, then only letting it out when it was necessary to get Chad to leave. Only a true leader could have kept that secret- I mean afterall “Katie got some big ass titties.”
Tron for president.