Hello there SundyBesters. Drew here. Trae is busy being super famous and Corey is busy being super fat-headed, so I’m doing the blog. Today marks one of the last editions of OurSundyBest. That’s right, sadly we are shutting down the blog soon.
– millions of you, our adoring fans*
*probably a hundred of ya
Well, and I swear it seems like we’ve mentioned this before but hell maybe not, WE WROTE A DAMN BOOK. And well, it comes out October 4, and we figured after that y’all will have all of us you can stand to read then because you’ll have of course ordered the instant masterpiece, which you can do here.
So we have about 4-6 entries left. I ain’t looked at a calendar but that kinda feels true. If there’s one single thing I learned from Trump it’s that just sayin shit that feels true, even though it is usually demonstrably false, feels good.
Speaking of the basketball skinned baron of bullshit, Donald J. Trump has a new manager at the head of his carnie-handed campaign. Y’all hear about this?
He got rid of Paul Manafort because of that dude’s many and unhideable ties to the Russian government. Yes, that Russsian Government – the one what arrested Pussy Riot (who wants to stop anything called a “pussy riot”) and loses bodies like Hillary Clinton loses emails. Seems even the Donald couldn’t quite get rid of the red stink of the motherland and had to distance himself from Manafort.
So he hired Kellyanne Conway. That is one of the greatest southern-as-hell names in the history of politics. Kellyanne sounds like a girl what fights a stranger over “talkin shit bout my cousin even though I hate my cousin.” And Conway always makes us think of Conway Twitty, maker of the the sexiest country music of all time. But Kellyanne is from Jersey. Oh well.
Was this the right fit? Did Trump truly comb the nation for the best manager? With years of experience, she’s certainly more than qualified, but we’d like to ponder some other options. Here are some candidates we think he overlooked that may have kept on message a little better.
Agares, ruler of the eastern zone of hell:
One of Satan’s favorite demons, Agares makes “those who run stand still,” a good skill for a politician tryin to prevent his would be voters from flocking from him faster than Corey eats a casserole dish. He has supposedly 31 demon armies under his command. That will surely come in handy for Trump if he becomes president and starts two wars in the first week then accidentally starts four more by being crazier than a forest full of fuck-up ferns. Agares also teaches many languages, focusing on the profanities and ethnic slurs – surely the Donald could make use of that. The demon is often portrayed as a pale elderly man riding a crocodile, with a … wait a minute. This dude is old white man what rides a lizard and is an expert on insulting minorities?! Fuck he may BE Donald Trump. Never mind.
An old pair of boots:
At this point no amount of sage advice could save Donald from himself, it seems. But an old worn in pair of work boots might endear him even more to the white workin man who, other than white folk over 65, seem to be his largest voting bloc.
Imagine it, Donald on stage, rattling off all the “sacrifices” he’s made growing up remaining and always being rich. He will remember fondly how he built “The Apprentice” into a reality TV empire, and then turn and smile at his campaign manager, an old pair of boots who were actually owned by an actual apprentice in a kiln, or carpenter’s union, or blacksmith or some other place Donald Trump would never ever go –
Donald: “I can’t go in there. There is so much dirt!”
Pair of boots: “There are also lots of poor people in there, so that’s another problem.”
Donald:”Yes as I said there is so much dirt.”
Vladimir Putin’s campaign manager:
Donald clearly admires Putin and since that sumbitch keeps
winnin landslide victories murderin’ his enemies in Russia even though he’s insane, we figure his campaign manager might be able to help.
Oh wait, Donald already kinda had that guy LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Paul Manafort, the guy he fired – well his ties to Russia include lobbying for Russian companies. THIS IS AMAZING. Trump LITERALLY hired someone who works in Russian politics to run his campaign.
Ok, hear me out on this one. It’s not that Hillary will actually help Trump win, it’s just that it seems pretty clear that winning ain’t high up on his priority list. At nearly every turn, he has shot himself in the foot.
It has gotten so bad that quite a few folk have suggested that maybe, just MAYBE ol’ wheelin and dealin Hil’ has set all this up. The popular theory goes that Slick Willy and DTrump had a little chat, like old rich as hell pals do, and it was decided the Donald would run in an effort to rig the Republican primary and then sabotage his own campaign so as to make sure Hillary is elected.
This wouldn’t get Donald the presidency, but it could raise his profile and make him SUPER famous again, so that he can go back to being a giant dickhead on reality television. Clearly that’s something he loves doing, and that is enough evidence for some folks. The big giant toupee hole in this argument of course is that Trump recently kinda sorta suggested that the “Second amendment people” kill Hillary. I don’t know about ya’ll but if I asked my buddy to help me get elected president and he then asked some of the most insane people on the planet to “take care of me,” I’d at least question his loyalty.
So no, Hillary ain’t running Trump’s campaign. But, assuming he DOES just wanna be famous and not president, perhaps he should let her.
Finally, I can’t help but feel like Stephen Bannon would do a good job running things. Bannon is the former Executive Chairman of Breitbart News LLC. He hosts a very popular conservative radio program on Sirius XM radio and has financed various conservative films that are very popular among certain
right leaning groups douchebags in polo shirts. He has the political clout, money, and savvy to refocus Trump and help sharpen his message.
And he is actually who Trump has hired. See, Bannon is now the “Chief Executive” of Trump’s campaign, which as best we can tell is a title they made up. His first move was to hire Conway as campaign manager, and the results are scary.
Bannon and Conway have sharpened Trump immensely. Unlike his rambling, nonsensical, off the cuff “speeches” in the past, he now stays focused and on message and even has what those of us who are grown humans would call a “structure” to his talks.
And it is terrifying. Truly. Trump used to lose his crowd about 2o minutes in. He used to be easily distracted and whatever strange and scary fervor he would build among his fans at rallies would be lost by minute 24, when, after he’d repeated Muslims and Obama about 67 times and gone literally nowhere with his “point,” his people would get bored and start dreaming about a world where taco bell exists but Mexicans never did.
Now that is over. He remains on message throughout his speeches and his followers stay with him. They remained fired up – about immigrant criminals who take jobs, Hillary deserving death, Muslims being banned, and orange being a color a normal human can be.
This is good news for Trump. He has a campaign manager and a campaign “executive” (again that is not a thing) that have reeled him in and made him more viable as a candidate.
This is terrible news for America.
Can we just vote Agares?